How did I only just find out the Brits were on tonight? I just had a look at the website to check out the nominees. Good golly, Miss Molly. It looks like another great show this year.

My predictions:

1. Instead of watching The Brit awards I crack open a bottle of wine, casually smoke a cigarette, and watch a film on DVD. I will possibly have a bag of peanuts or something to go with it. It will be rock and roll.

2. My film is much more entertaining than the Brit Awards. This includes the menu, that “You wouldn’t steal a car” video at the start, and when it runs through all the foreign languages after the end credits.

3. My film contains better music than most of the Brit Awards show, even when it’s paused while I go for more wine.

4. If at any point in my film there is an award given out, the result of that award will be less contentious than the majority of the awards handed out at the Brit Awards. This will never be any more true than in the album category which PJ Harvey should walk, but it will probably end up going to some absolute cock-radish like Ed Sheeran or something.

5. I briefly consider turning it on just in time to see Blur, but then forget, and end up watching the performance on YouTube tomorrow. It will be pretty good.

6. No Brit Awards will ever top the one where Jarvis Cocker got on stage and waved his arse at Michael Jackson. None. To try now would be folly. Just YouTube it and save yourself a night of awful television.

To all who ignore my advice and watch it anyway, good luck. To anyone who is going there in person, tell Ed Sheeran he’s a shitehawk if you see him, please.