It’s easy to be led astray by a pretty face. It’s even easier to be led astray by a pretty face if it’s attached to killer tits. Like not actually attached. Because that would be fucked up. But all part of the same person attached. Yeah. Pretty faces can lead a man to do things he wouldn’t normally do. They can make you act out of character. This makes pretty faces dangerous. One time I was going to go to an Enter Shikari gig because a pretty face asked me. Enter Shikari. Me. I was willing to sell out that much. Obviously, I came to my senses, and I stood her up, and now she doesn’t speak to me, but frankly I should be ashamed as a motherfucker just for even thinking about going. Even for fanny.

How many of us would have watched Resident Evil if it weren’t for Milla Jovovich? How many of us would have watched it twice? I’ve seen Resident Evil three times, and I own it on DVD, and I can’t remember one single thing I like about it that isn’t Milla Jovovich related. The highlight of the movie is seeing a split second of her with no undercrackers on. That glimpse of front bum makes the other pointless, arse achingly mediocre ninety minutes totally worthwhile. I could have saved money and just Google image searched for a screenshot of it, and not put myself through such a shoddy zombie flick.

But that’s not even the worst part. Not only do I own Resident Evil, I also own all of its follow ups. That’s like four movies. They sit in my DVD collection gathering dust like a physical, constant reminder of my own ineptitude at resisting Ms Jovovich’s charms. It’s tragic.

Of course, not every movie filled with pretty faces is a write off. Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes a film has interesting characters and a good plot and it just so happens to have some sweet eye candy to boot. Sometimes you’re not just watching it hoping for at least a side boob. And those are the occasions when we really land on our feet.

And so it comes to this. A list of the best and worst films I’ve seen only because somebody fit was in it. Some of my favourite movies are movies I’ve only watched because of a girl, but they’ve also been repsonsible for some of the worst.

Scott Pilgrim Vs The World

The girl?: Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Tits?: You get a few seconds of her in her crackers. And yes, it’s awesome.

What’s it about?: They had me at the pink hair. Pink hair is a game changer. But while I watched the film because of the girl with the pink hair, I ended up watching it time and time again for more traditional reasons. First reason being that it’s badass.

Scott Pilgrim tells the story of a guy who meets a girl and she’s implausibly fit and yet she still pays attention to him even though that guy is Michael Cera. It takes place in some sort of bizarre world where that could happen. Ever. Not even as science fiction would that be believable. But anyway. Scott is all about this girl but it turns out she has seven exes that he has to defeat in order to be together with her. I don’t really know why her exes are all on the same page. You’d think they’d be at odds with each other. But whatever. They turn up one at a time to do battle with Mr. Pilgrim and a good time is had by all.

What I love most about Scott Pilgrim is that it’s got this wonderfully anarchic sense of humour at it’s core. It starts out much like any standard teen comedy - chasing girls, saying “Whatever” a lot, talking about video games, being awkward etc. And then about twenty minutes in it takes a bizarre turn and becomes almost like a live action computer game. The action becomes absurd and physically impossible things start happening and nobody bats an eyelid. It moves at a frenetic pace, and it’s easiest just to let yourself get swept along with it rather than try to overanalyze it.

It also helps that it’s got an awesome soundtrack involving the likes of Metric, Beck and Broken Social Scene.

Rating?: 10/10. It helps if you’ve got an interest in video games and music, but it’s one of the most entertaining films I’ve seen in a long time. Plus, you know, pink hair.

Ultraviolet

The girl?: Milla Jovovich.

Tits?: I can’t remember. I mentally blocked this movie out of my mind immediately after seeing it. I would imagine I’d have saved the memory of tits though, so there probably isn’t.

What’s it about?: This is a dreadful movie.

As if I hadn’t fallen out with Milla Jovovich enough thanks to Resident Evil. Ultraviolet takes the Michael. I honestly can’t even remember what happens. I just remember it being so bad that I wanted to cut my own head off. So I’m going to have to look on Wikipedia now to try and remember an outline of the plot.

Okay. Gimme a minute.

Right, apparently, this movie is about some sort of future where there’s these vampire like people as part of some sort global epidemic and there’s an evil corporation doing… something… and Milla Jovovich has to jump about in slow motion wearing tight clothes and blow things up. My heart isn’t in this. Just take it from me; it’s a rotten movie and even Milla can’t make it worth watching. Avoid it like the Black Death.

Rating?: 2/10. If you have the DVD of this movie open the box up, remove the disc, flip the disc over, and you are now looking at a fool.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

The girl?: Michelle Monaghan

Tits?: Yeah. You get tits. High five, brother.

What’s it about?: Robert Downey Jnr is a small time crook in New York who accidentally ends up in an audition for a movie, and after a sterling performance, ends up in LA at the behest of a movie producer who thinks he found a new star. In LA, our hero is paired up with a super cool homosexual private investigator called Gay Perry (Val Kilmer) and they end up embroiled in a nefarious mystery with murders, and conspiracies, and etc.

Michelle Monaghan is an actress in LA who happens to be an old school friend of Downey, and so she ends up getting dragged along for the ride too. And there’s plenty of twists and turns to keep you guessing until the end. It’s got an old school film noir detective story feel to it, but crossed with a more traditional buddy cop movie.

What makes this film worth watching (aside from the aforementioned Miss Monaghan) is the dialogue between the characters. Robert Downey is a personal favourite of mine anyway, but given witty dialogue like in this movie, he’s given a chance to shine. And his teaming up with Val Kilmer is inspired with many of the best parts of the movie being the back and forth banter between the two.

Rating?: 9/10. Really well written crime caper in the style of an old school film noir.

Wanted

The girl?: Angelina Jolie

Tits?: You get a somewhat incredible shot of her arse.

What’s it about?: James McAvoy is a pretty standard guy who hates his job and hates his boss and hates his life. It’s like your life on the big screen. His best friend is fucking his girlfriend and he has no money. Anyway, it’s another miserable day for him until Angelina Jolie turns up and a gunfight ensues and lo and behold it turns out he’s the son of a legendary assassin, and Jolie and Morgan Freeman want to see if he’s inherited his old man’s skills.

Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie are too good for this material. That’s not to say it’s a terrible film. But considering they’re both fairly hefty actors, it seems odd seeing them here. Their loss is our gain though.

Action is the order of the day here, and Wanted comes up with some fairly absurd ways to raise the action bar. I’ve seen plenty of ridiculous things in film. I’ve seen every Death Wish. I’ve seen Die Hard 4.0. Wanted goes above and beyond the call of duty in its approach to violence. By the time the final empty bullet casing has hit the floor you’ll have seen cars doing corkscrew flips, bullets bending round corners, and Angelina Jolie pouting a lot.

Rating?: 7/10. This is a turn your brain off and watch people get blowed up sort of movie. It’s not amazing. But it does what it says on the tin. And the tin reads “Watch Angelina Jolie kill people real good”.

Salt

The girl?: Angelina Jolie. Again.

Tits?: You’re out of luck, partner.

What’s it about?: Imagine The Bourne Identity. Imagine that instead of Matt Damon you get Angelina Jolie? It sounds amazing doesn’t it? It isn’t.

Angelina Jolie is no stranger to getting her clothes off if a role calls for it. In fact, one could say that watching an Angelina Jolie movie gives you about a 50/50 chance of at least getting a nipple. She’s out of control. Her bra drops faster than a terrorist in Schwarzeneggers line of sight. That makes movies like Salt even more annoying to me. When you’re dealing with some second rate Bourne movie the least they could do is get some skin in there.

Angelina Jolie is revealed to be a Russian spy, and so she ends up hunted down by her own people. But is she a spy or isn’t she? She doesn’t seem to think so. And you would think she would know. So we follow her around the country as she tries to work out who is behind all these shenanigans. We have a few rucks. Few things get blown up. Few people get offed. Standard.

It all kind of builds to a showdown where all the truths are revealed and we find out whose side everyone is on and what they’re all up to and who’s really who. It’s all very exciting. And by exciting I mean rubbish.

Rating?: 5/10. This is an alright, nothing special, run of the mill sub-Bourne action movie made entertaining only because of Angelina Jolie’s tits that we don’t even get to see. Missed opportunity.

So remember kids, a fit girl doesn’t necessarily make a good film. Sometimes you’ll get lucky, sometimes you’ll end up with Ultraviolet. Just make sure you don’t buy the DVD until you know what you’re getting yourselves into. I’m going to go home and look at the back of the Ultaviolet disc so I can remind myself what a fool looks like.