From: 24

Quote: “Let’s get something straight, kid. The only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t want to carry you. Now get in the van.”

Loves: Kim. Striking fear into the hearts of terrorists. Hurting terrorists. Arresting terrorists. Killing terrorists. Making terrorists pay. Torturing terrorists. Anything involving terrorists not winning. America. Being badass.

Hates: Terrorists. Nina Myers. That he killed Nina Myers so he can’t kill her again.

Why he makes the list: If Jack Bauer were a real person, it could spell grave consequences for the human race. Currently, our population is growing steadily, and one day there will be too many people and not enough resources. With no terrorists and other evil doers around, civilian casualties would drop, and our population could spiral out of control even sooner than anticipated. Jack Bauer being real is the most likely scenario behind evil being no more, and so it’s bittersweet that we must sit back and think, “Maybe it’s a good thing that Jack Bauer doesn’t exist” because Bauer is the rare kind of character that I desperately wish was a real person.

Look at the world we live in today, and then imagine what Jack Bauer would do. Would 9/11 have happened on Bauer’s watch? Would it have taken him ten years to hunt down Bin Laden? Bauer could have stopped the London riots by popping his head out of the window and saying, “Settle down lads, I’m trying to watch Deal or No Deal in here”. He’s so badass that he stops civil unrest during the commercial break.

Jack has done many exceptional things in life. He saved the life of a senator twice in the same day. He was prepared to fly a nuclear bomb into the Mojave desert and blow himself up with it to keep it away from LA. He thwarted a biological attack while coming off heroin cold turkey. He stopped an Islamic extremist from melting down all the nuclear plants in America. Even when the President of the United States was corrupt and had the entire American armed forces at his disposal, Jack found a way to bring him to justice.

He’s killed more people in eight days than the Boston Strangler killed in two years, and (nearly) all of them deserved it. He’s brought down corrupt government officials. He’s stopped World War 3. Twice. If there was any justice in the world, the man would be our global leader, and the entire planet would be unified in peace and harmony knowing that we were all safe under Jack’s rule. It would be exactly like the future in Bill & Ted’s excellent adventure, except there’d be less garish outfits, not so much audacious rock music, and instead of “Be excellent to each other” we’d say “I give you my word” and/or “Damn it, Chloe!”.

Some people love watching Jimi Hendrix play guitar or Sir Ian McKellen acting on stage. It’s the appreciation for a master of their craft doing what they do best. I like watching Jack Bauer torture terrorists. He makes it a grim ballet. It’s performance art. He’s like Van Gogh only his canvas is a terrorist gaffa taped to a chair and his brush is the exposed wires from the power lead of a kettle. Electricity is his paint. Pain is his art.

If motherfuckers are going to start acting up then motherfuckers are going to start getting killed. He doesn’t stand for it. But at the same time he wants nothing more than a quiet life with his family. He’s a true gentleman. He’s honourable. He’s got a heart of gold. And those are rare qualities. Jack Bauer makes this elite list because he is everything that a man should be rolled into one ass kicking, terrorist maiming package. And he makes canvas messenger bags look cool. That’s a fucking achievement.