There’s so many words in this headline that on their own can turn a news story from ‘interesting’ to ‘must read’. Porn. Dwarf. Badger. When you’ve got them all in one headline, you’re dropping an atom bomb of news; there is no ignoring it.

I think the top three highlights of the story for me are:

3. “I’ve already ordered a new BMW and a diamond-encrusted Soda Stream,” he said.

This is what I like. Priorities. You’re making top dollar. You’re a star. You’ve made it. You want to get extravagant. Show the bitches you’re a player. BMW? Check. Diamond-encrusted Soda Stream? Ch-what? At what point when you’ve made your millions is a diamond-encrusted Soda Stream number two on your list of must-have items? Car? Soda Stream? Where does mansion come into it? Holiday home? What’s number three? A platinum Mr. Frosty? A gold plated George Foreman grill? Actually, that would be badass.

2. Foster, star of X-rated movie Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It’s Up Your A**e We Go

I think this might be my favourite porn movie name ever. I think what I like about it is the image it conjures. You read it, and without even seeing the front cover you’ve got images in your head of dwarves in amusing costumes sticking it to implausibly attractive girls in the balloon knot. It’s got everything your classic movie needs; laughs, romance and dwarves fucking girls in the wrong ‘un.

1. Investigators have not ruled out the possibility of suicide

What? Run that one by me again, sweetheart. Who in fuck’s name commits suicide by badger? I’ve heard of ‘suicide by cop’. That’s a thing. It’s like the end of Falling Down when Michael Douglas knows he has nowhere to go and nothing to live for. You come out like you’re going to shoot and let the po-leese take you down. Sorted. Who thinks, “Well, I’ve had enough, might aswell top myself. Let’s see; pills? Nahh. I’ve heard you shit yourself. Gunshot? Too horrific. Wrists? Scared of knives. Wait! Got it! I’ll climb into a fucking badger den and just wait for nature to take its course”. If you’re involved in the investigation and you think, “Hmm, maybe he did it on purpose?” you need to go home put your head in an oven Plath-style. Notice how she put her head in an oven. Not a fucking badger den.